Late Night Musings

I know I should  not try to write blog entries in the middle of the night. I'm mostly a nocturnal creature. It's the time when I can think the most, feel the most. So, thus results in overly-emotional, regretted-in-the-morning-or-at-least-the-next-time-I-wake-up entries.

Ahh, but fuck it. I probably need the release anyway.

I don't know what to do next. I'm discontent. I'm thankful of a lot of things. I'm disappointed with the rest. And I think I'm not grateful enough and I don't like it.



Last night, I talked to a friend. And I'm a bit angry with myself in thinking that she talked too much about herself. She blabbed on and on and on about things she has told us at least twenty times (and sadly, I'm not exaggerating) and she always starts with the same "Girls, (yep, she's including me) a lot of things happened that I just have to tell you."

 But it's the same old thing. The same old complaints about her almost-boyfriend who's actually a two-timing liar and we reply the same "Forget that fucking jerk, dear" for the nth time over the years. And then she somehow got a little bit over him --mentions him only every now and then-- and moved on to her next fixation. A 40-year-old douchebag and his bitch of a girlfriend-now-fianceé (Oh, the woes.) They're her colleagues in her old hell-pretending-to-be-a-Christian-school workplace. And we just have to repeat over and over that they would make a very unhealthy pair, however unlikely, even if we're excluding their age-gap in the equation. He's over 40 years old and still is fucking immature. And my friend really is not in the most stable psychological state no matter how much we try to skip over it.

After we talked, well, mostly her, for around 4 hours, she thanked me. And I have not even mentioned once how I was doing in the last few months. How I got a job, how I got a new sassy gay friend, how my sister got married, how I was invited by my high school alma mater in a graduation, how I met old school teachers, how I'm excited for my coming-niece, how I'm anxious about my new job, how I'm apprehensive about the coming team-building with my new colleagues, how I saw a friend in a casket, how I tried to somehow reconnect with my old friends, how I want to spend a whole night watching stars from a rooftop, how I want more, something more out of my life. How reality is sinking in and I'm trying to accept it. Not once. And it's not from the lack of trying.

I was gonna say something and she would interrupt. And that's just sad, because I wanna share something too. Maybe it's just human nature, to be too full of himself (or herself). I know I am like that too, even though I try not to be. Or maybe it's just her, and she needs an outlet. Yeah, she probably needs to release and she doesn't have a blog.

Or maybe they just don't think I want to be heard too, sometimes.

I don't want to feel it but I sometimes feel out of place with my only three friends in college. They just don't listen enough. They want to talk too much, all three of them, vying for attention they don't give to others. It happened several times.

There were few times when we just go and talk in turns. I try to listen to them even though I forget half of it by the time they finish, but I do try to commit parts of it in my memory or at least the general emotion in it.

And then it would be my turn. Not two minutes into it, one would be fiddling her phone, posting nonsense on facebook, one would be exchanging emails with her long-distance boyfriend and the last one would be interrupting and trying to turn the talk about her cheating almost-boyfriend from years ago and her douchebag, double-her-age crush. Sometimes, they'd grunt like they're listening and would ask a completely unrelated question. If not, it would be the awful "Ano ulit yon?" question. The longest time I shared something was almost four minutes. I'm pretty sure about that since I timed it.

And then they would tell me I'm too quiet, too pensieve, too different and they don't know what I'm thinking. That's just sad.

And I'm just tired.

Maybe that's exactly the reason why I'm writing this. I'm just tired with them right now so I'm writing about how awful they are. But they're really not. They could tolerate me, so I think they're not that bad.

I like them. I really do believe they're the only friends I got from our college. And I need them to stop myself in thinking college had been miserable. I did learn things in college.

Yeah, I'm probably just exhausted in trying to connect with them now and I'd forget about it in a few days time.

Rest. And then when I arise, I may love them again.