Late Night Musings II or Maybe an Early Morning One

Wao. I'm trying to write my second entry for today. What has gotten into me?

Hopefully, this isn't rude and annoying as the last one.

I still don't know what I wanna do next. And I had written about it (in different ways) several times and somehow come to conclusion and then a few weeks or days later, I'd want to retract my words and come up to a new one. Fickle.



So, as usual, I'm trying to escape reality. I've read more than halfway on Love, Stargirl, halfway on The Giver, halfway on The Time Keeper and partway in more than a dozen fan fictions.

"I went away in my head, into a book. That's where I went when life is too hard or too inflexible."

I'm trying to win my third 4096 tile in the 2048 app game. I'm trying to finish the quest that would age my toddler Sims (Mycroft and Sherlock Holmes) to preteens. Hell, I even tried to recreate the sitting room in 221B Baker Street.  I'm waiting for Hearthstone to come to Android, and thus, start with trying my hands on CCG's. I checked my email, checked Plurk and backtracked my Facebook wallpage. I'm feeling guilty and anxious for not doing anything. And I laughed at some conversations and their "gheity".  And then I got to the part about passing the Licensure Examination for Teachers.

Hell, I'm happy about that. I'm awfully thankful about that. That was as close to miracle as I got. (No, I'm lying. I can think of a few instances).

I did not think I would pass. I probably would be flamed and be taken as arrogant bitch when I tell that the questions were ridiculous. Some of them were elementary questions. Easy to answer but the the answers weren't in the options. Some were too fucked up, you'd think the ones who formulated the questions were high on some effective hallucinogens when they were doing it.

I think it was just purely luck that I passed it, more so getting on the topnotchers. Or at least a good deal lot of it.

And I'd get incinerated by others if I confess that I studied just 3 days before the exam. I lied to my family when I said I've been studying for at least a month. I wasn't answering online test samples, I was reading fan fictions. I lied to my college friends when I said I studied for a week. I studied for 3 days, wrote ridiculous and stupid side notes on a reviewer I borrowed, took a lot of breaks including a brief escape to a mall, and complained a lot on Plurk.

I'm not boasting. I probably survived due to common sense, fuck-it state of mind and luck, a good deal of it. And that isn't humility either.

I feel guilty, just a tiny little bit, for getting that place, receiving an award. I feel hypocritical, speaking in front of a crowd of a thousand new teachers with maybe a handful more deserving ones among the crowd.

But I won't give it back when demanded to return it. I won't because I need it. I want it. I like it.

That part in my Facebook page, I love it. I like the "congratulations". I feel blessed seeing the pictures of my parents in front of the tarpaulin. I am grateful when my Mama's friends congratulated her. I feel sense of small accomplishment.

I really do feel blessed. Not really much because of the award (because of that small fucking nagging voice I hate) but because I feel surrounded with people who appreciates me. It was like connecting with others again after voluntarily closing the door for months. It was refreshing and new.

And a few of them saying something along "I knew you can do it." I really like them. Maybe a few of them really don't mean it. Maybe more of them do. And I really was happy that a few believed in me when I don't even believe myself.

And I think I like the world again. Haha! A little bit.

"Some words save lives, sometimes."

But then now I'm plagued by what to do next.

All that you desired, when you were a child

Was to be old, was to be old

Now that you are here, suddenly you fear

You've lost control (You've lost control)

Do you like the person you've become? 

I will do the job in the private school as best as I can. Try to learn the ropes of the trade and try to enjoy it. 

But then what? I'm envious of people who knows what they want. I don't know what I want.

 Would I get to a public school? Maybe. I need some fund.

Would I go to Japan? Yes, but I'm not sure what for. Maybe I'd go there for a job. Maybe I'll go there to study. Maybe both. 

Would I get a Master's degree here in the Philippines? It's a good choice. But I would not know what I'd want.

Would I get a Bachelor's degree in something computer/programming related? It's becoming more and more appealing every day. 

Would I study Law? I would like the title, really. I want it. But I don't know if my character would help me survive it. I'm not sure if I'm smart enough to finish it or would trying would end up in vain, tears and loss of a lot of money. My brother-in-law is trying to convince me. It is appealing but I'm not really that looking forward to years of studying and arguing with others.

Some of my friends are studying to be doctors, some engineers, one is running head-long to be an accomplished architect. Some, like me, are weighing options.

Was I wrong in choosing Education? Was I wrong in staying in it? Was I wrong in not joining an org early on? Was I wrong in choosing that seat? Was I wrong in passing that opportunity? Was I wrong in accepting that job? Was I wrong in declining that offer? Was I wrong in not accepting those three offers to go to Japan? 

What was the right thing anyway?

"You don't pass or fail at being a person, dear."

Life is too short and I'm dilly-dallying. It's not wrong to worry. It's not wrong to set your own pace and take time. It's not wrong in betting and gambling your way on a path. But I want to have a sense that I'm on to something. Anything.

“It is never too late or too soon. It is when it is supposed to be.” 

And it might be time to mature.

"We thank you for your childhood."

And shit if someone really knows. No one might actually really know what to do next. Maybe they really don't know what to do next and I'm just fretting over nothing. They just have a game plan and swing it. 

Life is too short to fret over things, petty things. Yeah, I really do need to be reminded of that. Again and again.

I want to see more things. More than the four walls of my room. And for that, I need to go out. I want to travel. I need to renew my view of the world. 

In the end, we are made of star-stuff.

"Sometimes, we need to erase them, erase our senses. Then --maybe-- the earth will touch us. The universe will speak. The stars will whisper."